Sometimes I have days where I feel like I don’t exist.
I can’t help the voices in my head.
They’re only a part of the problem.
I know that if I were to probably go to a therapist, they could probably tell me the real reason I am the way I am.
Sometimes I feel like a nobody.
I cry and cry with no real knowledge as to why.
There’s no way to help it and the tears don’t stop coming. It doesn’t matter how much I will them away.
I hate being alone.
Why do I feel so alone exactly?
Why is it in this world infested by so many, I feel like I’m stranded in a world in which I drown in a fog of epic nothingness?
A fog where nothing or no one can help me, but me.
I need someone to put this in perspective.
Someone tell me what’s wrong with me please because I have too many reasons and they’re eating me up on the inside.
I can’t breathe.
There’s too much.
They’re coming.
My vision is beginning to get hazy and I become so sensitive to touch.
No one touch me.
No don’t go.
Stay close.
Please.
I can’t stand being alone.
Sometimes I get too in my head.
The voices get too loud and my imagination spirals out of control.
I can’t control it.
I can’t write.
I can’t speak.
I’m too afraid.
There’s too much to say that I can’t.
I just tell myself to breathe and let them fall.
The trials and tribulations of living in this world, of being human, have become too much once again.
As much as I want to seek out help and a loving embrace, I know it won’t be real.
I know it will only lead to a series of disappointments that I can’t handle.
Sometimes I feel like I drive people away.
I’m afraid of getting close to people for that specific reason.
I try to be happy, to make myself laugh.
I try to find the joy in my life.
That’s what keeps the dam of insecurities and inner thoughts sealed.
As hard as I try, there are things that chip away at the dam slowly and then suddenly the floodgates are open.
Then the cycle begins once again.
Maybe it is me that drives people away.
Maybe I’m too annoying.
Maybe I’m being a bitch and I don’t know it.
Maybe, I’m just not good company.
Maybe, I’m a disappointment.
I’m sorry.
I’m so sorry.
I can’t breathe.
So, as I sit here in this dark room, tears streaming down my face.
My face most likely flushed and a headache beginning to bloom beneath my temples.
I find myself having one of those days.
I’m sure many people know what I’m talking about.
Those days where the world seems completely unbearable.
Those days where you body feels heavy and everything goes fuzzy and you wonder if this is how death feels like.
Those days where you feel yourself growing angry and you can’t even explain to yourself why that is.
Those days where anybody and everybody seems to hate you.
Those days where it’s you against the world and the world is winning.
So rather than staying in this state of complete isolation where the voices only grow stronger, I turn to you as I cry.
I turn to you and tell you what I have been unable to say every time I happen across one of those days.
I turn to you and tell you that I will not lose.
I turn to you and tell you that this is not the last of those days.
As much I would like to say it is, I know it’s not.
I know that there will be many more along the way until the day in which I perish.
I hope that day is not anytime soon.
I would like to see the day in which I can say that I’m okay and mean it.
I want to see the day in which I know I’ve made someone proud.
I want to see the day in which I know I’ve made myself proud.
I want to see the day in which I know I’m not alone.
And I can’t wait.
Until then, this is just one of those many days.
So, I say to you Goodnight but not Goodbye.
Today the world has not won and neither have I.
Today I have begun to fight.
