I look back and I can’t believe how much I cried over you, how much I poured into you, poured until I was empty. I can’t believe how much I thought about you, worried about you, when it was you who gave up on me.
Now I see you with her. It looks like you’ve moved on, and quickly at that. She’s everything you could have wanted. Everything I wasn’t. Everything you gave up on me for. Or maybe you’re with her because she doesn’t know you, at least not as much as I do. I’m done guessing, analyzing, overanalyzing.
But I’m not sad. I’m not even angry at you. Actually, the only thing I can find to do is laugh because I don’t need you anymore. I don’t need anyone, but apparently, you do.
You gave up on me as if we were nothing. You said you loved me, but you left as though it never meant anything for you to stay. Why did you even love me in the first place if you could run away so easily?
You love her as if she’s nothing. So all I can do is laugh. The truth is, you hate everything. All that love turned into hate. You hate me. You hate her. If you’re honest, you know you hate yourself, too.
I can’t help you anymore. She can’t help you either. Don’t you know that? You don’t love people so they’ll fix you – that’s not how it works. You keep looking for someone to fix you, and when they don’t, you give up on them.
That’s not love, honey. That’s hate.
I’ll wait ’til a real man loves me. No, screw that. I’m not going to wait around. I’m going to love myself, more fully than anyone ever could. I realize that I never needed you. I needed myself and my strength. I have it now, after the tears, the jealousy, the anger. I have it now.
I love myself now more than you could ever love me. I love the pain I’ve been through. I love the tears I’ve cried. And now I love laughter and dancing alone. I love the loudness in my mind and the quiet of the night. I don’t think about you. And I don’t care. Because if you could give up so easily, why can’t I?
All I can do is laugh. Because you’ve never loved anyone, not even yourself. And that, honey, is something no pretty little girl can ever fix.
I don’t care about you anymore, but I hope you learned from me. I hope you learned that you shouldn’t just give up after making so many promises. I hope you think before you make a promise, honey. I hope she realizes she doesn’t have to be your crutch long before you have time to break her heart the way you broke mine.
I hope it hurts. That’s how I learned. That’s the only way you will, too.
So goodbye, honey.
Don’t give up.
Author: Audrey Wierenga
Email: [email protected]
Author Bio: Sometimes a writer, full-time dreamer. Equal measures of grace and coffee. Follow me on social, if you dare: @auwie596
Link to social media or website: http://www.groundupideas.wordpress.com
