A lot of my life has felt as if it was about appearances. Smile even when you’re not happy, say that “you’re fine” even when you’re not, and never ever let anyone see your emotions. Because being sensitive was somehow a flaw—it was implied that I felt too much. So I began to bury everything inside because that felt safer than being mocked for who I was or what I felt.
I grew up in a rural town with conservative parents and went to a conservative church.
A part of me always knew I was different, but I kept that hidden. I lied to everyone including myself. Told everyone I was “straight as an arrow”, but my arrow, as it turns out; is a bit bent.
I came across this quote posted on Instagram credited to aristhought: “I often think about the closet that queer kids grow up in. How it’s not just passive hiding, it’s traumatizing. To suppress parts of who you are, to experience your own life as an outsider, to heart he people you love hate people like you, is a trauma you carry your whole life.”
I’ve never read anything that I related to more in my life.
I remember watching the movie Jenny’s Wedding with my mother. She told me that it was interesting, but I better not be a lesbian. I could only weakly smile. It was the second time she told me that.
So it’s made me a bit hesitant in coming out as a pansexual queer woman, but it is who I am. I was born this way, and I’m not going to be ashamed of who I am anymore.
Not everyone is going to understand, but let the vultures come for me and pick my bones clean so I can live and start my life anew.
I’m done with fear and with closets. Discovering who I was, being able to finally say who I was to myself was liberating. It’s more than high time I get rid of this closet. I’m done talking to skeletons and spiders.
My heart is full of love, my heart is a rainbow. I am enough. Always have been and always will be. I’m allowed to be me. You’re allowed to be you. There shouldn’t be any fear or strings attached. We are worthy of love and to be loved.
I’m going to shine even if people refuse to see my light.
