Valentine’s Day 2020 my husband Steve and I learned that our one-year old daughter Rosario’s future little sibling in my belly would not be joining us earth-side. The universe spoke with a swift blow that this was not our time to grow our family. We had experienced what so many families have experienced before us that feeling of intense grief and loss. For this little soul had been written into our stories for many years, many dreams and images of what life would be like as we make little additions to our family and grow together. With the support of our families, friends, colleagues and healers we accepted that this was not meant to be, and that nature knows best.
Enter phase 2, the decision to remove the fetus and embryonic sac. As a believer and practitioner of minimising the toxins and synthetic products entering my and my family’s bodies, we were talked out of letting these pass naturally as it can be uncomfortable and messy. The experts are not wrong, but what is it about our society that we are not encouraged to take time off, rest, and be present in the amazing abilities of our bodies to shed and heal naturally? And me in my own struggles with my ideas and beliefs around dedication and expectations to work and my weekly flights to Melbourne thought, yes, I must take action to pass quickly and get back to my “life”. But wasn’t this my life?
I chose to take Misoprostal tablets which I was told is effective in 85% of cases and had limited risks for future pregnancies. This was my effort to avoid a surgery in which there was risk that the lining of the uterus could be damaged and result in no further pregnancies. It seemed appropriate at the time, as I was a woman with a schedule, and I was not going to let others down. In retrospect, I should have connected to my body, realized the hundreds of millions of women before me who have not had these “easy” options lined up neatly in front of them and connected with the immaculate abilities of the female body, taken time off, and let nature take its course.
When I went back two weeks later for an ultrasound to see how effective the tablets were, it was very clear that our little embryo and sac were still resting there snugly in my uterus. Warm tears fell down my cheeks. Here we were two weeks later reliving the grief and loss of the absence of a heartbeat. To all the mamas out there who have felt this once, twice, or even those outrageous scenarios where they’ve experienced it fifteen or so times or with a still birth. You are stronger and more resilient than any man on this planet. This kind of deep connection and loss are unlike anything else I’ve ever experienced, and I am in awe of you and your ability to recover and try, try again.
Enter phases 3 & 4, the decision for a dilation and curettage surgery, not once but twice within a week. The first surgery was decided upon as per recommendation from the doctor to avoid pain and discomfort and get me back up and running without embarrassment of bleeding through my pants in public or to miss more work than absolutely required. Again, thank you to my acceptance of false ideas and believes and societal pressure to be everything to everyone and put myself aside. I admit I am a work in progress on listening to my body, it’s needs and for me to stand up for it at any time. May we all grow in this path with great patience, practice and love.
With the acceptance of the risk to damaging the uterus and not being able to carry future children we progressed. Surgery one goes just fine. The surgeon was very happy with the results and I was sent home just hours after the surgery. I routinely saw the general practitioner just three days later who checked me out and everything was healing well, and I was on the path to recovery. What a relief. Then Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I experienced a sever change with intense cramping, likened to induction or labour pains as my cervix contracted to rid the pregnancy tissues left behind to naturally release. We later learned that surgeons who provide D&C surgery are leaving more pregnancy tissues behind to reduce Asherman’s which is severe scarring of the uterus lining which leads to women not being able to carry future babies. I understand this. The doctors are trying to move along the process without damaging the uterus. Fair enough. Life is all about balances, just let the patients know. Knowledge is power.
Unfortunately for me, my body trying to rid these linings were causing me extreme discomfort, heavy bleeding and clotting. I woke up at two in the morning on Monday with lower abdominal pain that almost took me to my knees. I woke Steve and said I need to go to the hospital now. The next ten hours were me undergoing examinations, tests, being pricked, pumped full of fluids and anti-biotics and ultrasounds. This, along with making sure all urgent project needs at work we’re being met, making sure our child and exceptional nanny were sorted for the day, and communicating with supportive family and friends consumed the day. Finally it was decided that a second surgery to remove the pregnancy tissues simultaneously with an ultrasound was required. Like déjà vu I was back on the operating table being given drugs to go to sleep and hopefully this would all be over soon.
Prior to going into the operation, our healer was able to provide some distance healing. I connected to my breath and surrendered to my body. I let myself be held by her energy and for my body to heal. I could feel the energy opening up my hips where my ideas and beliefs have always held a lot of emotion. Her words were everything I needed to hear: “Dear Sarah – accept the miscarriage in full and continue your life in joy with Steven, Rosario and all. Catch any feeling of guilt or self-judgement, these are poison and not true. The little Soul got a healing through its brief incarnation with you. Love, Alexandra”.
I share my story for your reference, solitude, strength, comfort and healing. I have been so moved by the outpouring of people who have shared their miscarriage stories with me. If you or anyone you know are going through this trying experience, please do yourself a favor and be open and honest about the fact that yes, you and your family have experienced great loss. Miscarriage is a part of life and it should not be kept quiet or shamed! This is life, and I guarantee you the more people that know of your life challenge, the more people will be able to support you and connect with you. Open your heart and let others in. I guarantee you it will help in the healing process. Namaste.
