Stop thinking about THAT. You walk outside, tilt your head, and close your eyes. You focus on how it feels to have the sun’s heat on your face. It’s nice. You walk barefoot across the deck. The deck that you slow danced with one of your high school boyfriends on. The deck that held bonfires, cookouts and keeps the dogs when your parents are away from home. And you just breathe.
This is your childhood home. So much has happened here. Those memories are so far away now. The world is so different than what is was back then. But no time for that. You breathe in fresh air with a hint of humidity. Not the bad summer humidity – the perfect amount. You smell the fresh cut grass from the yard that backs up to yours. You smell the pine trees that give your neighbors privacy. Those were planted 10 years ago. They’re huge now. You really miss your old neighbors. So much has changed. Things are so uncertain now. It makes you sad.
You’re interrupted by your mom cackling inside. She’s watching another internet video. Your dog huffs at your feet. She’s been trailing your every move since it started. You hear a little girl sing to herself as she scooters past your house. They still make those things? You hear a car slow as they cautiously drive past her. You feel calm. You feel present. For a moment this reality seems right. It seems almost perfect.
You think, I am alive and I am ok. My family is ok. My neighbors are ok. All will be ok. You recite this like a broken record these days. It’s less of a confident reminder and more of a questionable reassurance. There’s no time to be scared. There’s no time worry. People are depending on you. Your little sister, your friends, coworkers. They all have been grasping at your confidence. You got this. You head back towards the door. Back inside you go. Back to THAT.
The news is blaring. Dad is glued to the screen. Quick. Shield your thoughts, you just got them clear. He will update you later. Social media will update you later. Your friends will tell you about THAT later. But for right now in your world, all is good. The world is ok.
You walk to the fridge and pull out frozen fruits you bought yesterday. It reminds you of the grocery store. Oh, how weird that was. The shelves were so bare. Strangers were smiling, but it was disingenuous. You took note of that. Their smiles were forced, and their eyes looked worried. Almost like the smiles you give others when you know they’re about to receive really bad news. It was sad. It was scary. A grocery worker was wiping down the handles to the carts before handing it to your dad. That was so nice of him. You wouldn’t have seen that weeks prior. Your dad reminds your sister to not touch her face. Your dad who is smiling – who has always had it under control – you can see through it. You can see his stress. This is foreign territory for him too. Quick. Distract.
You were doing good. Go back to the present. Forget yesterday. Grab the fruit faster. Don’t think, just dump them in the blender. Throw in the other ingredients to concoct your meal. Can I even pretend that this a meal? Whatever you’re doing it. You’ve been given more time to be healthy, so you’re doing it! You always blamed lack of time for your lack of fitness. Now you’re getting it. … But you didn’t want it this way. Not like this. Doesn’t matter. Don’t think about THAT. Summer is around the corner.
Yes. Happy times, sun, friends, margaritas, and outdoor concerts. Oh, how you miss live music and the beach too. When was the last time you saw the ocean? You’re not spending another trip embarrassed and hiding from a bikini. … But what if there isn’t a summer this year? What if we’re still doing this then? Can that be possible? No, stop. Stop thinking about THAT.
Blend. Distract yourself. Watch the blender. Watch your sister. Where is she? She’s on her phone. She looks stressed. Her professor just told the class about a test but she’s been stuck here five hours away. Her university has already shut down and no one has their books. She will have to drive back to school to get them. What if she gets THAT? Stop. She’s healthy. She’s smart. All will be fine. Distract.
Your dog pads over next to you. She watches the blender with you. She wants some… of course. The mutt has gained 20lbs under your care. You pat her head. That’s not enough. You hug her. Now you’re gripping her so tight it’s definitely not comfortable for her. It’s probably a doggie choke hold. You can’t help it – you love her. You keep hugging her until she wiggles out. She pants her mouth into a smile. Dogs smile right? You think, If the world ends, would she help me like that Shepard helped Will Smith? You smirk at the thought.
Your “meal” is now done. You throw back the liquid. It’s honestly not bad. Wait. Now tell yourself you’re grateful. You’re supposed to be grateful right? Tell yourself you’re grateful! There are people not eating right now. Too poor to eat. Too sick to eat because of THAT. I’m grateful. Good. Now distract.
You walk back into the den where your work laptop awaits. You do not want to sit and stare at the screen again. Wait. I’m grateful. I have a job. Your dad’s company is seeing dozens of layoffs. You’re so grateful. Yes. But what if I get laid off too? Did you ever imagine yourself laid off at 27? Will that happen? Will You be laid off and single at 27? Damn, this is truly not how I imagined it. Stop. Distract. Back to emails. Back to your phone.
There are tons of messages from coworkers. They’re not handling the adjustment easily. Messages from friends. They’re scared. Another article is sent about someone with THAT. Great. Now messages from distant family. Good, they’re just checking in. They sent a picture. What are they holding? They’re homemade masks. At least they’re making the best of things? Good for them. You’re bittersweet. This feels unreal. Is this real? You look down at your arm to pinch it and see burn scars from a cooking mishap. Yup. This is very real. Quick. Distract.
Hours go by and you sign off for the day. Finally. You make your new commute to the living room. See that’s nice, right? Mom is there. Dad is there. All the dogs are there. This family time is good. Someone suggests a hike and the group accepts. Off to the closest mountain.
Now, you’re thinking of friends working in hospitals. You feel guilty your day is so easy. You think of the towns you saw videos of in Italy. It makes you sad. Quick. Distract. You’re here. Up the mountain we go. This feels good, but you’re getting tired quick. You’re so mad at yourself for getting so out of shape. How did I get so out of shape? You drift off into thoughts. What if THAT gets worse? What if I don’t get chances to hike much longer? You think about how you need to be in shape like those people on the “Walking Dead.” You convince yourself you could live off canned food. Your family is in pretty good shape. You guys could make it. Would it get so bad that we’d have to eat the dogs? STOP. How did your thoughts get so dark? You might be losing it. Distract.
Another family is walking past. Quick. Check and make sure everyone is a good distance away from yours. Where is everyone’s hands? Make sure none of their members look sick. They seem fine. But you read earlier that means nothing. You smile anyways. Everyone is so much friendlier these days. Is this making people kinder? You get it. They are just as excited to see new faces as we are. You guys continue back on your mission. Up, up, up. Hike, hike, hike. Don’t think about THAT. The world will be ok. You have a mission to compete.
You’re running out of gas. You’d ask them to stop but everyone is charging ahead. Your overweight dog is still charging ahead. You don’t have a choice. You can’t quit. Keep going. You can do this. … Is this symbolism? Doesn’t matter. Not a time to over analyze things. Be PRESENT. Tell yourself you can do this. 45 minutes later and you’re greeted by the view. It was just as you remembered. Breath taking. … Literally. The city is just at the horizon. You’re so proud of yourself. Your mom made it no problem too. Maybe I should start Pilates after this? Never mind that. You made it. You look out at the view. You look over at your family.
They’re happily chatting with strangers. Someone made a joke of Dad’s shirt. Seems like we have a friendly college rival in our company. A competitive comment was made. The groups are laughing. You laugh because you can only assume what football smack was said. At that same moment your dog awkwardly yanks you towards a deer. You laugh again. Your sister is Facetiming her boyfriend. You smile. Tears are swelling in your eyes. Jesus, I’m emotional these days. You give yourself grace, because you have a right to be.
You realize you haven’t thought about THAT in over an hour. God wasn’t that nice? God. Yeah you remember Him. You’re not super religious, but you talk to Him anyway. You think about all the people hurting and all the people scared. But how at the top of this mountain, away from it all… all you see is beauty. All you feel is calm. And that’s when you realize He’s got you. He’s got everyone. You know it’s going to get harder before it gets easier. You know people will continue to hurt, but somehow you just feel in your gut that it’s all going to be ok. Did He plan this? …You thank Him anyways.
You thank Him for helping you even though you forget about Him. You ask Him to watch over the nice grocery store clerk, your family, your friends, hospital workers, restaurant workers and those on the road.
You apologize because you call Him G-man sometimes. You do it because you’re funny. And you think He likes funny. After all, He made you funny, right? You apologize again because you have such an awkward relationship with Him. But you know it’s ok. It doesn’t matter what others think. Especially not now. Especially not these days.
All that matters now is this. Right now. The time you currently have and who you currently have it with. That’s all you have. You stop and you thank God for this and that. You thank Him for all of THAT.
