Struggling with body image issues is common. Bullying, body-shaming and “fitspiration” have changed the game for women everywhere. It’s not enough to be skinny, you have to be strong, you have to prove you work for it and you have to document it. Pregnancy is no exception. I have heard so many stories from women I work with, who got pregnant and just gave in and enjoyed eating extra calories, indulging in cravings constantly and sending their significant others out for pickles and ice cream at 10 p.m. I’ve also seen so many women on social media who stay super fit throughout their entire pregnancy, wearing tiny shorts and sports bras, with bodies worth envy 30 weeks in.
I found out I was pregnant during the CrossFit Open – a five-week period in late winter when CrossFitters from all over the world participate in a workout each week in the hopes of earning a trip to the CrossFit Games. Over 300,000 people entered this year, and with only 20 spots in each region moving on to the next round, the goal for many is just to compete and have fun with friends and teammates. Many people, including myself, push themselves out of their comfort zone during the Open to get new personal records, complete movements that have been otherwise out of reach and see how they stack up compared to other athletes all over the world. Two weeks and two workouts in, I saw those two pink lines show up on a stick I’d just peed on.
At six months pregnant, I sat on my couch and watched the “Fittest on Earth” get crowned at the CrossFit Games. It turned out to be a bittersweet event, which was something I was not expecting. Watching the athletes compete made me desperately miss my pre-pregnancy body. I am so grateful to be pregnant (with no real trouble conceiving) and I know that so many women are not as lucky as me, which is why an overwhelming sense of guilt quickly followed my bittersweet realization.
I have spent most of the last year working on improving my fitness and overall health. I follow a diet and meal plan that works well for me and I saw lots of improvements all around. I also learned to be much more confident in my body – I’ve finally accepted that I’ll never be a stick-thin woman. I have curves and I have muscle. I would rather have a body that looks like an athlete than a supermodel. Overall, I was working toward a body that looked as strong as I’d finally felt.
Now that I’m pregnant, I struggle to recognize myself in the mirror. Everything looks different and everything feels different. During the first trimester, I was winded constantly and would be so exhausted during workouts that I thought I’d never lift another weight. In the second trimester, my body has changed and I have a true baby bump, but I have more energy and feel better when I get a good workout in. What I find most confusing is how much I miss being able to push myself and push my limits to continue to achieve new milestones in the gym. CrossFit is something I do just for me.
I know that to keep my baby safe, healthy and growing, I’m doing all the right things (maybe I could have skipped the ice cream and opted for fruit a few nights here and there), but not being able to move and perform the way I want and the way I’m used to is disappointing. Becoming a parent is certainly a journey. I feel like this is a lesson in self-sacrifice that will, one day, pale in comparison to the experience of actually raising a child, but it’s a good introduction.
I am pregnant but not incapable, and all I can do now is work to turn this guilt and disappointment into motivation to work towards a new goal – growing a healthy baby who will one day look to me for “fitspiration.”
Author: Christine Matusek
Email: [email protected]
Author Bio: Christine is an East Coast girl living on the West Coast, a military wife, a dog mom, expecting her first child. She loves CrossFit, writing, books and the beach.
Link to social media or website: Instagram @captainescosek
