Parents: I discovered many complexities in my relationship with my mother. Over time, I have had the opportunity to be open with her and discuss my feelings. Whereas my father held a lot of power in my world and thankfully I learned to detach from the expectations I had of him. Which unfortunately ended up being a projection I would put onto men.
I figure we all go through that self sabotage stage with relationships. When the voice in the back of your head tells stories and creates fake scenarios, then feeds off your fear of those scenario’s manifesting themselves… I know I’m not the only one who has done that.
Detangling from what we have learned and to hold space for our parents has been a big part of growing up, or “adulting.” Going back to memories of our parents reaction to situations that have been engraved in us.
For example: I thought for most of my life that you’re not a grown up unless you are constantly stressed and frustrated when you’re not in control, something i picked up from both parents.
They are our first belief system. I do not punish or blame them for raising me the way they did — my mother especially. The life she’s lived has been filled with just as much, if not more, loss and growth than my own. It’s not about comparing our pain, it just helps with the understanding I have for her.
The older I get, the more I see my parents as children. It’s actually kind of a beautiful way of viewing all people, because it still exists in all of us — the inner child, the last time we lived every day as our authentic selves; who we were before the world told us to choose a side, pick a reference, mold into stereotypes and build an identity through labels. Before ego.
