Oh, my child-bearer –
i’ve spent what felt like centuries yearning for your comfort
desperately, innocently reached out to no avail
without fail, coming back with empty hands and an emptier heart
a child grasping for acknowledgment, for anything really
the supposed nurturer — one that gave me life
you ransacked my voice
still, i blamed me
your calculated, malicious glares
your ghastly, terrifying midnight flares
“which person would i get today?” i thought
i often wondered if you’d ever return
but you were never there
oh, what you are — my eyes are wide open after all this time
spent nearly 27 years healing your abuse and abandonment
all my childhood spent wondering and wishing
i got nothing, only bloody noses and dismantling of my identity
i will never identify why
an empty shell, a spirit of the dead
nothing but an illusion, what i dreamt you could be
alcohol on your breath and cigarette smoke in your hair — it lingers
i let you steal my soul
well, i’ve found me
