I am bigger than this.
At least, that’s what I keep telling myself each time I have a look in the mirror. My mind wanders at the most unnecessary instances, it is terrifying.
I am tired of fighting with whatever demons my mind can conjure. I am sick of the helpless feeling that overcomes me, as I try my hardest to fill my mind, to keep it busy, to remember positive things. It seems whether it is at the most random moments or late at night, when sleep is hard to find, possible triggers come from around me or run through my mind and are constantly in a loop to keep me remembering.
I am bigger than this.
I refuse to continue to lash out or cause harm whether it be spoken or physical. To myself and to others. I can no longer punish myself with isolation and push away the ones who want to help.
I need it.
I am aware, but sometimes I cannot accept a hand to clarity, because I am still afraid of opening myself up to someone who might criticize me. I know I must take the first step to help myself. The initial step to health may not come so easily and, boy, don’t I know it. I have repeatedly tried to wrap my mind around the work and slow progress it takes to get better. To rid myself of these menacing thoughts that cloud my senses, has got to be the most strenuous struggle I will ever have to endure .
I am stronger here and now, than I’ve ever been before.
Erasing the memories may take time, but hell, at least I’m still alive. I’ve got the time to spare, to work and fix this complicated mind. So far, forgiveness has been my only outlet.
I must forgive to move on.
Not for you- oh, no definitely not for you, but for my own sanity. For my heart, my mind- I forgive you, for me! I will no longer obey my sadness by breaking down into tears and detaching myself from the rest of the world. I am so over feeling weak and insecure and tainted.
I won’t give you that power over my well being, I won’t give in to your memory.
I am bigger than this twisted battle that plays behind my eyelids all through the night. All of the things that I am scared of: rejection, failure, relapse, these are only limitations that I have set for myself. I am fed up with instantly feeling the need to analyze whether someone likes me or if they simply put up with me, because honestly I don’t care!
I am more than just a damaged mind. I’m not as fucked up as you make me seem.
All of those who have turned their backs on me, because they are blinded by the truth. I know the truth hurts, trust me, I live it! I must forgive you for your betrayal, because I know your heart is weak.
You lack compassion and empathy.
Because really, how could you know what burdens me, if you have not been through this hell yourself? You don’t, you can’t, you never will know how tiresome it is to hold your secrets so close. Secrets that have caused so much anxiety and panic that I’ve suffocated- not just my mind.
I mean, I’ve actually had trouble breathing. And as I sat there, one night, on the kitchen floor gasping- no, gulping- for air, I scrambled through the plastic bags underneath the sink to find one thick enough to help me suck in a hard shot of air to fill my lungs and calm me!
Just like that, as my brain took a big shock of oxygen, I realized that I am through!
I am done with letting people get away with hurting me, just because I was trained to stay quiet and be polite.
I am done with letting others dictate what I should and should not speak out loud, for fear of hurting someone else’s feelings!
My feelings were hurt!
My feelings are still hurt and endlessly trying to recover from a nightmare of memories, thoughts and triggers, of which I can not escape. The only option left is acceptance. I must accept the road to recovery will continue to be a long, excruciatingly painful experience.
There is no other way for things to get better, but to fight through it. And so I will.
I’ve had it with staying locked up in my own little bubble. I don’t want to play it safe anymore. I want to live! I want to be unafraid of the gossip, shady comments, and stares that bore into my soul. I don’t want to forever be paranoid that someone knows my secrets.
This is just another hurdle that I have to leap over. As unattainable as it may seem, I am now ready for my peace of mind. No matter if I feel I must stay kind to those who are oblivious, I won’t let anyone get in my way to being a happy, healthier me.
I am bigger than this. I am a survivor.
With the strength only an underdog can sum up- I can become the person I always thought I’d be. It is a struggle, but it’s my fight and I will come up swinging- like I always do.
So for all of you that unfortunately know what I am describing, I’m genuinely sorry that you can relate.
I hope this open letter gives you the strength you need to help yourselves achieve a new sense of freedom.
My one wish in pouring my heart out is that I can reach at least one person and instill in them the feeling of self worth.
You are not a victim, you are a survivor.
Strive to be fulfilled by the little things in this life and never be hesitant to bluntly speak your mind if it means that you will be free of internal torment. Know that you can freely envision what you want and go for it full force.
Say it with me: I am bigger than this mental illness!
What an ugly coupling of words.
