I leaned out the window of my ‘99 Hyundai Accent. “FREE THE LEASH KIDS!” I yelled. A mom walked along the sidewalk, her toddler with a monkey leash backpack running ahead.
Everyone is an amazing parent before they have kids. I was a great babysitter. I came prepared with crafts and activities. I cleaned up messes before the parents got home. I stuck to schedules enough to keep the parents happy, but bent them enough to delight the kids. I was awesome. “How hard can parenting be?” I thought. “You just have to be firm and calm with the kids.”
When I was pregnant with my first child, I had beautiful plans. He would never sleep with me. He would eat only healthy, homemade food. I would never yell.
Then he was born. “Sleep when the baby sleeps!” they told me. But my baby didn’t sleep. My baby defied all of my expectations. And Edwin, my intense, beautiful, demanding child, destroyed all my perfect parenting notions.
Now Edwin is three and Vivi is one. Oh, how they have humbled me. They’re smart, funny, brave and creative. They’re also tiny dictators bent on destroying my will to live.
I consider myself lucky if they eat anything other than spaghetti. I yell, “STOP CLIMBING ON THE TABLE” at least a dozen times a day. There is always at least one child’s elbow in my back while I sleep.
Motherhood has swallowed me whole. I thought I would kick its ass. Instead, I came face-to-face with all of my own shortcomings. My energy goes to sweeping the never-ending crumbs, washing muddy laundry, making doctor’s appointments, researching development, not losing my mind when they cry about the most inane things. All those fun activities I did with the kids I babysat? Ha. I can barely clean up the breakfast mess before lunchtime, let alone make bunnies out of old toilet paper rolls.
Really, it’s me, not them. I’m much more mediocre than expected. I’ve learned to accept that. Edwin and Vivi are loved unconditionally. They are cared for and happy. If they don’t fingerpaint every day, that’s okay. Edwin can already talk about the patriarchy and Vivi can eat three cheese sticks in a row, so I’m obviously doing something right. Now please excuse me; I have to go look up child leashes on Amazon.
Author: Skylar Christian
Email: [email protected]
Author Bio: Skylar Christian is a stay-at-home parent of two toddlers. She spends her days in semi-controlled chaos and writes during naps or with kids climbing on her back. She has an English degree, and has been published in the Lee Review and on @Spill_Stories. She also runs a writing Instagram, @skylarchristianwrites.
Link to social media: Instagram @skylarchristianwrites
