*Content Warning: this piece contains references to sexual assault, which may be triggering to some.*
It was an unbearably cold that night in 2012. The winter season is often unforgiving up here; the wind chill touched Eileen’s bones, and she was shivering while standing outside of the bar. The last two weeks had been taxing and trying; midterm exams had just wrapped up and the entire school was drinking at the local bar. They all wanted to relish in their victory over some of the most robust term papers and exams of the early school year.
Standing outside, Eileen could hear the music in the distance. Upon her arrival, it felt like the best place to be. Eileen was with friends, drinking, but after her seventh drink, nothing was fun anymore. The bar was too hot and overly crowded.
When her sister, Dana, told her it was time to leave, she was relieved. Dana tugged Eileen’s fragile, intoxicated frame behind her and when they arrived at the exit, the blustery breeze blew away some of her buzz.
When Eileen opened her eyes, Dana, and boyfriend, Rob, were standing in front of her.
Listen, Eileen. You’re intoxicated.
Whatever, Eileen said. I’m fine. I can take a cab back to the room.
Shush. I’m going to take Brenda back to her room. I’ll take a cab with her and Rob is going to drop you off.
Eileen nodded in agreement, but she could barely keep herself together. Dana opened the car passenger door for her, and Eileen got in.
Are you okay? Rob asked.
I’m fine. I’m always fine.
Eileen began to doze off when she felt a hand on her knee. She muttered something. But when she looked in his direction, everything was blurry.
You know, Rob said, I find you to be a sexy thing. I was watching you dance earlier today. I loved the way you moved.
Eileen could hear his words, but couldn’t respond. Her eyes were shut closed, and she could feel his massive hand on her thighs. Within minutes, they were at her building.
Can I take you upstairs? I want to make sure you’re that you’re safe.
No, I’m fine.
Rob got out of the car and walked around to her side. The passenger door opened, and she felt a tug at her arm. She sloppily opened her legs to get out and he grabbed Eileen and pulled her out.
Can I use your bathroom?
No.
Come on. It will only be a minute.
Alright. Take your piss and get out. I need to go to bed.
Eileen took off her shoes, tossed her purse to the floor, and dropped onto the bed.
When Rob exited the bathroom, Eileen got up to get a drink of water, but she stumbled and fell to her knees. Suddenly, Rob put his arms under her armpits and lifted her from her feet. He turned and tossed her unto her bed and she felt his body weight overwhelm her. Eileen felt a hard prick and he yanked her dress upward. She felt a sharp pain and suddenly, Rob forced his way inside of her. Eileen tried to move, but with each stroke, she felt powerless and paralyzed. She clawed her nails into his back, but he yelled in kinky ecstasy rather than actual pain. Rob put his hand on her neck and squeezed until she could barely breathe. Eileen closed her eyes, screaming and crying on the inside of her violated body until he was done.
The nightmares of that winter night continued, but this morning, I felt better than most days. Sometimes I would feel nauseous, and I hated that feeling. But this is just how I felt now since I’ve been taking medication. I stepped into the shower and let the water ease my tense muscles. I opened my eyes and looked down at my body. It’s been through a lot in my young, female life. More than any man could ever fathom. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the shower, realizing how many gifts I had lost.
I still think about that night; especially since he faced no charges. Instead, they accused me of fucking my sister’s man, all because of the nail marks I left. My family deserted me, and I haven’t seen my parents in over 10 years. Mami won’t talk to me. She blamed me for that night because I was a shameless woman that wore a short dress, got drunk and invited that man upstairs. It was my fault that the family is fractured. It’s all my fault.
I dressed and popped two of my medications into my mouth. They abrasively made their way down my throat, and I slammed down my empty glass and grabbed my office keys. There’s no help for the helpers.
It was 9:30 AM, and I was scheduled to meet with a patient, Damien. I gathered his file and walked to his room for the evaluation.
Good morning, my name is Ms. Tejada, and I am your new therapist. I’m here to conduct an evaluation.
Damien shook his head.
Why don’t you tell me a little about yourself?
His eyes met mine, but he didn’t answer.
I can’t compose your history if you don’t talk.
Damien made me nervous. I haven’t been in a room alone with a man in quite some time. I could feel my skin and face becoming flush and warm.
Damien sat quietly, his arms folded.
I don’t know what to say, Damien said in a barely audible whisper.
Don’t you think these sessions could be helpful?
I have no clue. I’m not worthy of much besides being in here.
So let’s try this, I said. How do you feel about your parents?
I don’t care about them.
Are they important to you?
Yes, but they haven’t been part of my life.
I understand, but family is essential.
Whatever. The same way family can build you up, they can destroy your life. Family can just forget about you and dismiss you for anything that they perceive to be wrong or different. That word family doesn’t mean anything.
Damien didn’t want to share his feelings, they were his remaining possessions.
Tell me about the first time you experienced loss.
I don’t know what to say about it. I don’t know how to deal with a lot of things.
I sensed the feeling of sadness from Damien.
I don’t know what to say, he said, putting his head down between his arms.
I felt his pain and empathized with him. I combed my hand through his hair and tapped his head. He looked up and I gripped his hands.
I have lost things in my life just as much as the next person, I said.
My voice wandered off into an unknown place. I was searching for the same answers that Damien had.
I’ve lost family, I’ve lost relationships, and I even lost some of myself.
Damien tightened his hold on my hands.
This is so inappropriate, I said, backing away from the table.
Wait.
I’m going to go.
I walked out, crying. A nurse walked by and noticed my demeanor.
Hey, are you okay?
Yes.
Are you sure?
Yes, I’m fine. I’m always fine.
