When I was younger, I dreamed about getting married. I was never sure if I wanted kids. In fact, I’ve erred on the side of remaining childless since I was a child myself. But what never waned throughout the years was my belief in the institution of marriage.
Unlike most little girls, I didn’t dream about my day as a princess. I dreamt about meeting my best friend. The man with whom I would share my innermost dreams, fears and joy, ‘till death do us part.
I believed fiercely that a relationship in which you were best friends above all else, loved each other despite notable flaws and remained faithful to one another through thick and thin was not only possible but in fact, the norm. And when you had such a relationship, the natural step was to get married.
I believed this because I had grown up watching one such marriage, and while it had its flaws, there were never two people more in love.
However, about ten years ago, my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. My dad remained by her side when she lost her hair, her eyelashes and her eyebrows. He told her she was beautiful every day, even when she was so sick she barely even looked like herself.
When she passed away, all of our hearts were shattered but perhaps none more than my dads. I had never seen him cry before she left us, but it was as if a part of him died with her that day.
It took him a long time to recover. At times, I wasn’t sure he would. But after two years, he met a wonderful woman – also a widow – who, while different than my mom, has provided a great deal of joy and laughter in his life again.
Two years ago, they were married in a small and simple ceremony that took place in their backyard.
But the only reason they did it, they said, was to make it easier for them when they traveled and to remove some complications with regards to finances.
I was perplexed. Marriage was solely about undying love and devotion, wasn’t it?
A couple of years ago, I myself got engaged. I was thrilled and couldn’t wait to start planning our wedding.
I almost immediately logged onto Pinterest, pinned a number of boards, created an Excel spreadsheet and made a list of my favourite venues.
Within two weeks, friends and family were excitedly asking about our plans, telling us about their weddings and assuring us it would be the best day of our lives.
It didn’t take long for us to find a venue and book a date for the wedding. We put down $5000 and marked the day in our calendars. We would be married July 29, 2016 in my hometown with approximately 80 people in attendance. It was an exciting day, and I felt relieved that already we had one big part of the planning process complete.
What I didn’t realize was that the act of solidifying a venue meant the end of our friends and family happily congratulating us, and the beginning of those same people telling us how we should proceed from that day forward.
The wedding planning quickly went from being full of fun and excitement to something that caused me to experience intense anxiety; a reaction that resulted in significant friction between my fiancé and me.
To make matters worse, the bills kept adding up and no matter how I ran the numbers, the wedding wouldn’t be less than $40,000 CAD.
After months of stress, fights and tears, I finally made the difficult decision to pull the plug.
We would lose 50% of our deposit, but, I decided, we would gain back our sanity.
There were a lot of questions after we canceled our venue and stopped planning our nuptials, but I have never regretted the decision to put an end to the planning process.
Since canceling, we’ve traveled to Europe twice, gotten a puppy and been generally content with our day-to-day lives. We are also debt-free.
No, I didn’t get to walk down the aisle in a beautiful white dress in front of our friends and family, and no, we didn’t get to have a big party to celebrate our love. But what I learned from the process and from watching my father’s two marriages, is that it isn’t the wedding that matters. It’s the relationship. And whether you make the decision to walk down the aisle or you don’t, what matters is that you spend your time with a person you love and who loves you in return. A person who respects you and will stand by your side through thick and thin, whether you’ve both vowed to do so or not.
If I get sick, like my mother before me, I know that my partner will be by my side. I don’t need a piece of paper or a party to ensure that.
Yes, marriage and weddings are a wonderful thing. But they’re not the most important.
Author: Lara O’Keefe
Email: [email protected]
Author Bio: Lara O’Keefe is a freelance writer and photographer based in Toronto, Canada. She has an intense need to explore the world, pet dogs on the street, and laugh at her own puns. In her spare time, you can find her wandering the streets with a camera or sipping coffee and/or wine in one of Toronto’s many delightful mom and pop shops.
Link to social media or website: http://www.laraokeefe.com
https://www.instagram.com/lara_ohkay/
