The first miscarriage I had was at the age of 17. I remember being invited by my family to go to the local store and even though I had slight pain, I thought it was all in my head. I decided to “suck it up” and go to the store. Little did I know, this would be the end of my pregnancy. Next thing I knew, I was in the store’s bathroom bleeding and in uncomfortable pain. When I first spoke to my parents about my pregnancy, they were very disappointed. I was still in high school and they wished I would have made better choices. “What are you going to do now?”, they said. I replied with “I don’t know, but I am willing to make sacrifices needed in order to protect and take care of my child”. The miscarriage itself was very fast, yet it left emotional scars that I am still processing ten years later. I wished that I would have talked to someone about it. Even though my family members knew that the pregnancy had been terminated, I was determined to toughen up and have the mentality of “things happen”. I completely skipped the emotional healing and thus it has caused me unbearable pain. I do believe that we should discuss miscarriages more often, as they are more prevalent than we think they are. One of the reasons why I was embarrassed and ashamed of speaking up on my experience was the reality that I blamed myself for it. I often thought to myself, “if only I would have taken more vitamins. If only I would have eaten fewer spices”. Ten years later, I am recovering from that guilt. Furthermore, our society fears bad luck based on the silence of miscarriages. We tend to punish ourselves based on our religious affiliations or personal beliefs, but we rarely allow ourselves to process through emotional pain. Processing the loss of a child is one of the most painful experiences that has happened to me. I often thought to myself that it was because I was not meant to be a mother. I lived with that thought for years. I also became envious of those who had experienced motherhood. When I would hear babies or any toddler related tantrum, I would immediately roll my eyes. I found myself judgemental of mothers who would be distracted at the grocery store, and I would say “why does she get to be a mother if she clearly isn’t taking care of her kid?” Now I know that I am in no competition for motherhood, and I also know that family does not necessarily mean biological. My partner and I have not aimed to get pregnant, but if we do we know that family does not have to be biological.
