It comes in waves. Sometimes you can see it coming, but it’s hard to pinpoint when it will decide to engulf you and sweep you away. It has its own rhythm and pattern. But it’s not a pattern that’s visible to the human eye. When it does engulf you, it splashes you full force with fear, anger, sadness and hopelessness.
It’s like drowning in an ocean of self-doubt, floating deeper into the darkness of despair. The deeper you go, the harder it is to start swimming and pull yourself back to the top and away from the force pulling you down.
It’s like being trapped with the desire to do something, anything, to move your life forward but your body and mind resists, leaving you in a state where you’re incapable of doing anything at all. You know you need to improve things in your life, but the weight of it all prevents you from being able to resist or even move at all. So you just keep drowning.
And then just as the waves have settled in and become your reality for days and weeks until you know nothing else, it suddenly lifts. You are no longer drowning, no longer engulfed by an ocean of negative feelings. And you start to feel better. You start to wonder how you ever could’ve felt all the things you did. And you think that nothing in your life needs to change.
Until the next wave hits. And the cycle starts all over again.
I didn’t realize that I struggled with anxiety and depression until I got to college. That’s when my mental health really started to control my life. Even after months of extreme lows, it still took me awhile to figure out what I was dealing with. I thought I was just sad for no reason and that it was just a part of who I was. I have never been officially diagnosed and I don’t need medication. For that I am so lucky and so grateful. But it still very much affects my life and is a constant battle to face every single day.
I know what it’s like to feel so depressed that you physically can’t get out of bed some days even when you know you have to go to class. I know what it’s like to wallow in your bed in a dark room for hours on end, a lump of self-pity and despair, pushing everyone you love away because you think they couldn’t possibly understand or care.
I know what it’s like to feel so anxious that you are living in a state of constant fear. A fear that immobilizes you and gives you a constant pit in your stomach for days or weeks, a constant feeling of nervous butterflies. When I go through these phases of anxiety, my appetite diminishes and my sleep is restless for days. At night, I am wide awake with fears and worries and an energy that won’t allow me to rest. During the day, I move through life like a zombie. A fog hanging over my brain from the lack of sleep and exhaustion from the constant racing thoughts.
Both of these conditions can make your thoughts spiral out of control, paralyzing you from action. Anxiety can cause you to overthink and create worst-case scenarios in your head to the point where you can’t even bring yourself to try anything for fear of failure. Depression can make you revisit your saddest thoughts repeatedly until you convince yourself that the world is a dark and hopeless place.
I’ve finally reached a point where I know that my mental health doesn’t define who I am. It’s simply a part of me that I have to learn to manage and face every day. After graduating college, I focused on leading a more healthy lifestyle and actively changing my mindset. I still have bad days and sometimes weeks, but I am proud of how far I’ve come because I know I am more than just my depression and my anxiety.
