Pregnancy was hard, real hard.
I had no control over my body and even worse no control over my mind. The hateful and shameful thoughts that came across me were terrifying. I hated what was inside of me and hated myself for feeling that way. Medication is what saved me from having these thoughts throughout my pregnancy. Was I selfish for trying to take care of myself so I can take care of my child? Those were the type of questions that I would ask myself. Even though the medication I was taking was monitored by my doctor, I still felt like I was poisoning both mine and my baby’s bodies. I was usually such a strong-willed person and not care what other people thought, but I was getting defeated by my own thoughts and I was so ashamed by it. My body was creating a new life and I never felt so weak in my life.
Flash forward to 4 years later and not only have I controlled my anxiety and intrusive thoughts, but I am a loving and caring mother to my son. He is perfect in every way. Thick, dark hair, big deep brown eyes and a personality to die for. His happiness is so contagious he puts a smile on everyone’s face. I have never felt this kind of love before, but I will catch myself staring at him trying to find any flaws that were caused by me. Did the medication I take while pregnant do more harm than I thought? Guilt still haunts me and I feel responsible for anything that may
seem atypical.
Motherhood is hard, real hard.
I have to constantly tell myself that I am doing the best that I can and if I want my son to be healthy, I need to take care of myself first. I may have my anxiety under control now, but that does not mean that I will tomorrow. I am thankful for having access to the tools that help me cope during these vicious times. The guilt may be fierce, but I am thankful.
