Let me start off by saying that I am no relationship expert. I have no desire to be. I am still operating from a place of trail and error when it comes to relationships. That is why I am excited to spend this opportunity sharing with you how essential it is to get a grip over your romantic and dating relationships.
So, your girl (me) has been dating for about a year or two. The experiences I have had while dating could be turned into a script for a movie. To say the least, they have been combination of fruitful, dysfunctional and shaping all in one. One of the goals I set for myself in 2019 was to break the habit of dating men that do not align with the image of the man I see as my husband. Well, here we are. It’s December 2019. Did I meet that goal? Was I consistent in holding myself accountable? The answer is no. I spent the beginning of 2019 in a good place, dating wise. However, mid to late 2019 swung around and I fell completely off with engaging with men who are right for me. I started slipping into my old habits of sexual impurity and jumped right back into a few “situationships”. I stopped seeking quality men and started getting in bed with whoever was in front of me. I struggled this year with staying committed to my goal of saying “no” and making space and time for better men. If anything, I created more space for inconsistency, irresponsibility and uncertainty.
As women, we forget how important it is not to link ourselves, and our bodies, in with men who display reckless and toxic characteristics. That is exactly what ended up happening to me this year. I started off with something good, that ended, so I simply reverted to old ways and old habits. I totally disregarded my plan to be soothed and repaired through celibacy and my commitment to vibrate higher in order to attract better. I did not show up for myself in the best of ways in 2019. As a result of all of that, I am back at ground zero where I started with dating.
As I write this and reflect on the year I had and the dating experiences I had, I am not the proudest of where I have led myself. I know better. However, I forgive myself and that is where you should start as well. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you made in 2019. Forgive yourself for having sex with people you shouldn’t have. Forgive yourself for not staying committed to a healthier dating and relationship lifestyle. Forgive yourself for the soul ties you may have created. Forgive yourself for the cycle of impurity you participated in throughout 2019. Forgive the men who hurt you in 2019. It is okay. What matters is that you are here with me engaging in a real and raw experience. What matters is that you are being honest with yourself about what has happened.
It.
Is.
Okay.
The discussion about relationships being complicated is boundless. The discussion about the relationship with ourselves being complicated gets overlooked.
What I have realized throughout my journey of dating, being in real relationships and situations is that the relationship I have with myself matters. If I am not already in the habit of loving and respecting myself, I will forever be hurt in my relationships. For starters, I am a girl who sets boundaries and violates them. I can never seem to uphold myself to the standard of a woman I visualize myself as. I create and set boundaries and then I beat them down. This translates as weakness and some men prey on weakness. I can talk about loving myself all day and into the night hours. However, the actual act of loving myself is something that needs to be internalized on a deeper level and seen.
Since making my 2019 dating and relationship mistakes, I have been doing a lot of self-reflection that I think could resonate with readers.
I have had to sit out and be alone for a season. In order to get a better scope around what I want and what I see for myself when it comes to relationships, I have had to take a break from seeing men. Being single allows plenty of time for self-discovery, and I have been learning the importance of preserving this time for myself in a way that is less careless and more intentional. Single does not mean boring. Singleness also does not mean I have to feel lonely. I am learning how to seek authentic community and community supports that support the vision I have for myself when it comes to relationships. Putting dating on hold in order to discover more about myself and show love to myself is more rewarding than it is a punishment. No one on this earth can teach me how to love myself.
I have also started being extremely self-reliant on my commitment to therapy. Throughout 2019, I committed and recommitted myself to therapy more than once. I threw therapy to the side a couple of months ago, and I can honestly say that was a big mistake. Therapy is where a big chunk of accountability comes from. I no longer granted myself the option to heal and repair when I stopped going.
At some point, I would like to have a solid and grounded relationship with myself. I want to be able to center myself in the love I have for myself so that I do not go seeking it in order places. I declare that I am done self-harming myself through soul-ties and toxic commitment. I am working through accountability, and I am taking on the responsibility to heal.
For me to be done with this method of self and spiritual harm, I know I need someone to help me navigate through acquiring this new strength. Having an intimate community to bounce ideas and experiences off of would benefit me as well. I am grounded in this process of healing myself, and I hope that you are able to rise to the occasion as well. It is time to stop faking like this habit of involving ourselves with toxicity is normal and okay.
It is time to be done. It is time to be finished.
