I became depressed in October of 2014 when I lost my aunt to Small Cell Lung Cancer. I cried myself to sleep for months. It was something I never felt before. Now the anxiety started in middle school. I would feel sick in school ask to go home and as soon as I got home, I was completely fine. It drove my dad crazy. The school threatened to call the law and threatened to put me on probation if I missed anymore school. By high school I started to learn how to control it better. I still had days when I couldn’t be around anyone at all. Now back to losing my aunt. It was 2014 my senior year of high school. My dad and his new wife had packed up and moved to a city 2 hours away and I stayed with anyone and everyone who would let me. 17 years old and couch surfing between friends and family. That alone took a toll on me. My aunt was diagnosed that January she already was in Stage 4 and too many tumors to count. By August she wasn’t doing good and they decided to call in hospice. I never even knew she wasn’t doing good until then. I hadn’t seen her or spent any time with her. By October 6th she passed away. What I hope to be peacefully. That sent me into the worst depression I had ever been through. Fast forward to 5 years later and it’s not any better. My anxiety is a lot better and I saw a therapist for a few months to try and help with my depression. But in between the past two years, I’ve dated multiple addicts and it has taken a toll I never thought possible.
I met Carl through my best friend Erica. He was definitely cute and someone I had only hear about in high school. Of course he’s 7 years older than me but that did not matter. I knew Carl because of his daughter’s mother. She was another one of my friend’s cousin. When we met he was going through a pretty bad breakup with the mother of his son. I never knew their relationship details until later on. He still loved her but I didn’t want to believe it. We started hanging out on the weekends when I would come to town. He asked my best friend for my number and she wouldn’t give it to him without my permission. I quickly moved in with my best friend and left my mom’s for the first time since I moved in with her. It was the best decision I could have made for myself at that time. I wasn’t 21 yet but we started partying, mind you I was never into that before. Being around Carl definitely made it easier for me. My best friend was a bartender at the local bar and boy did I spend a lot of time there. By that I mean I was there every day after work until 10 or later. The weekends we were all there from 4:30pm-1:30am which was closing time. In May I turned 21 and we threw one hell of a party. I had never been so drunk in my life. May was a fun month. We drank pretty much every day all day long. There were times I don’t even remember honestly. It was the best time of my life. For once I was finally having fun.
In June we definitely kept going with the partying, drinking, and what not. Carl and I still were just “friends.” I think we both just liked having someone there at all times. We ended up leaving the house we rented and moving in with my best friend’s mom. Carl stayed pretty much every single night. Sometimes he would sleep with me in the bed others he’d stay in the living room. I always knew he was an addict but I never knew what drugs he did or why. Then everyone started telling me. I became guarded. I swore I would never be with an addict or being “that” girl. But I became that girl. I believed everything he told me. I thought he could do no wrong. Until I found out he was sleeping with someone else. That really hurt me and that’s when I started questioning him. We were never really the same after that. But I liked being around him, being around his kids. They were everything to me. He used that to his advantage though. He always had somewhere to stay, always had food to eat, someone to watch his kids while he disappeared into the night and returned early in the morning. After awhile I stopped talking to him. Tried to move on with my life because after all the drama I knew we would never be anything more than friends. Then I got a phone call from the jail. It was him.
I didn’t know why after all this time he would call me when he got locked up. I began paying for phone calls. Downloaded the app that lets you video call with them. Had to pay money for that too. Shortly after he was in there he became a trustee and was allowed visits every Thursday at 7:00pm. So that was my life for about 5 months. I gave him money, I gave him coffee, food, etc. I gave him everything. He asked me out in October and I stupidly said yes. Everyone told me not to believe anything he said. It was the jail “talk” they all knew so well but I didn’t. Come Christmas time I ended up buying his kids a shit ton of presents. I didn’t hear from him though. No calls, no video calls, nothing. I tried to visit him the Thursday after Christmas and he refused my visit and said someone else was coming to see him. The mother of his son. Who didn’t like me at all. I ended up messaging her which ensued and long period of us talking things out. But Carl and I were done. He wanted his family back together. It hurt for a long time but I became okay. February of 2019 his son became very sick and he was bailed out of jail. I saw him for the first time in months at that hospital. After that he started texting me. We started hanging out. Just us two. Going for car rides for hours and hours. Doing nothing but talking. I even snuck him into my grandma’s house one morning after drinking all night. I thought ya know maybe this is something maybe we can be together for once. It didn’t end up that way. The drama came quicker than I thought and at this point I was exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically. Carl was a blessing and curse. He taught me some of the best life lessons I could have learned.
In between then I met a couple other guys but none that would last. Then out of nowhere Kyle came into my life. This time I was fully guarded. I’ve known Kyle for a long time. He was friends with my brother when they were in school. But he had spent a lot of time in prison and I never knew details I just knew he was an addict. At first I was dodging him not replying back or answering his calls. He asked to hang out quite a few times but I always found some way to get out of it. I had moved back in with my mom after everything so I was back in a different town and come to find out so was Kyle. I started to hang out with him. We would just ride around and listen to music. I stupidly let him borrow my car a couple of times but it never felt right so that stopped quickly. I liked him though. I always had. To be fair he is VERY good looking and has a way with his words. After a couple times hanging out he told me was using. I knew the first time I saw him but never said anything. He was a little surprised I knew but that was okay. We became very close. Always talking. Always giving each other advice. In July I got arrested for a misdemeanor. He told me he didn’t feel sorry for me and that I should I have known better. I took that with a grain of salt. A month later he was arrested for two felony charges. I didn’t know until I hadn’t heard from him in over a week so I messaged his sister. She told me and gave all the information I needed to get ahold of him. Jpay. What a great thing to have when someone you love is locked up. Kyle is now in prison waiting to hear what will happen. He’s been there for almost 5 months. We’ve started a relationship but it has no labels. I’ve kept my guard up but Kyle’s different. He’s a complicated person but so am I. Sometimes I think we are so different things could never work. But we love each other and right now that’s what we need. His family is great. They welcomed me with open arms which is something I never experienced before. His kids are amazing. They’re smart and funny. So after going through everything I went through, I finally found someone who genuinely loves me. He understands my constant need for reassurance and that some days are very dark. Everything happens for a reason.
