Remember when you were a kid watching tv at night with your parents and a commercial came on for some prescription drug you didn’t know how to spell, but it always started with:
“Do you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning?”
“Do things that you once enjoyed no longer make you happy?”
“Have you noticed a loss of appetite, trouble sleeping, or decreased concentration?”
And then they would try to sell you a little blue pill that could solve all your problems. All the sad adults with their sad, worried expressions were happy again, playing with their dogs or fishing with their too-perfect kids. I would watch those commercials and think only sad adults take those pills and I would never be a sad adult.
Those commercials were the first time I ever learned the word “depression.”
For a while after that, I thought depression was just being sad and eventually, if you took the pill or by some sheer stroke of luck, you wouldn’t be sad anymore. And then you would laugh and smile and go fishing. It wasn’t until I turned 14 that I realized being sad and being depressed were two completely different beasts. And these beasts didn’t look like the sad adults in the commerical on tv. In fact, depression, as I came to know it, looked nothing like that at all.
Depression isn’t always just laying in bed all day staring at nothing. People with depression have lives and jobs and families and responsibilities. And they’re still depressed. Depression isn’t always what you see in the Zoloft commercials.
What they don’t tell you about depression is that you don’t feel sad all the time actually. I mean, you’re sad most of the time but you do have moments that you laugh and smile and they aren’t pretend laughs or smiles. No, they’re very real laughs and smiles, but can start to feel fake when your brain tells you that you should be sad.
They don’t tell you about the memory loss that comes with depression. They don’t tell you that complete chunks of your life can go missing in your brain. Sometimes they come back. Sometimes they don’t. Sometimes the things you want to remember never turn up again and the things you wished you could forget return in full technicolor.
They don’t tell you about the disassociation.
If I could describe my particular flavor of depression to someone, I would say I was trapped in a movie theater alone watching my life up on the big screen. I’m detached from it. Like there’s an actress playing me in real time. It’s like a super boring car crash that I can’t look away from.
Another thing they don’t tell you about having depression is that you can also have depressive episodes. According to the internet, a depressive episode is when you have symptoms of depression for more than 2 weeks. What is called when you’ve been having symptoms for 4 years straight?
It’s hard for me to talk about depression because talking about it is what makes it real. If you ignore it and pretend it’s not there, it’s somewhat easy to think you’re of healthy mind and spirit. The second you think about it too much, it’s all over. You get stuck in the quicksand lurking in the folds of your brain and if you struggle too hard to get out, you’ll sink faster.
It’s not all bad though. There are a few perks I’ve found when dealing with my mental illness. They don’t tell you how being depressed helps you be more empathetic. You’re a sponge for your friends. You soak up others problems, but you have to remember to squeeze out excess water sometimes.
They don’t tell you that you have an intense sense of gratitude for even the smallest things in life. Sunshine after days of rain. A text from a friend. Ordering in your favorite food. All of these things build up in your mind and come in handy on the days that you can’t make yourself get out of bed.
They don’t tell you that you’re not alone. They don’t tell you that are currently 40 million adults in the United States that feel the same way you do. They don’t tell you that they are hotlines you can call and support groups you can attend. They don’t tell you that you don’t have to suffer in silence.
There’s a lot of things no one talks about when it comes to depression. After years of staying silent, I’m ready to speak up. I have depression. And I’m ready to tell everyone about it.
If you’re ready to speak up and get some help, here are some resources to get you started:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
Crisis Text Line: Text CONNECT to 741741.
This website where you can find a hotline for your state: https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/mental-health/depression/related/depression-hotlines/#gref
