who do u think u r
i wish i could go one single day where every time i had something to say i didn’t start with a stop to think “well what do they want me to say” what words, what joke would it take to convince anyone to give me an extra second of their time of their lives even just have them pretend they give one shit about me as a human.
i wish i could go one single morning without waking up completely choking – on the fear i’ll never be what i want them to see – suffocating before i have the breath to say anything from the weight i’ve created that’s dragging me down as i try to jump to these standards i can’t even see from the ground Thin, Smart, Successful, Thin, Liked, Loved, Unforgettable, Thin, Beautiful, Strong, Independent, Thin. who’s even behind all of these Adjectives?
i wish i could go one single guy without thinking – if i don’t let them inside of my body they’ll instead fill me up with their rage – how I’m so lucky he’s giving me the time of day when my skin is a sad excuse for something i’m worth – or fill me with their indifference and that’s so much worse.
it’s not fair of me to blame all men for these voices. When i know all this noise comes down to just one voice – his.
i wish i could go one single night where i can just go to sleep when i close my eyes instead of seeing eyes that i barely recognized then feel my breath lose my body as his fingers found my neck and his words found my heart – they’re still stuck in my head.
i lied to you guys and i’m genuinely sorry but two voices actually created this awesome harmony of hatred and anger and not good enough-ness i just don’t usually get around to the first cause it’s tough and Society loves to laugh and label us that have Demons and Darkness and Issues called ‘dad’.
I wish it didn’t take me so many days to Unbury the demons and all the voices that I was so afraid would ruin My Life but apparently you can’t actually make them hide. While under the ground they poisoned my Roots they stunted my Growth & I don’t mean to excuse all the times I would scream at Anything Else instead
all the times I would leave when someone tried to find Them all the anger and anxiety that ran to my hands -that I thought were in control of pushing Them deeper- but they were just pushing away anyone that I needed.
I wish I could go back to the days where every time I had something to say I would start with a stop to think because my Head and my Heart and my Body were struggling To exist every day without any vulnerability
And tell myself: “It’ll get better but before it’ll be ok At first It’ll get worse. And worse. And worse. And you’ll wonder if this Worseness is worth another day But as long as you face Your Shit and realize nothing ‘happens to you’ You create this entire Experience and Life and World and Person You’re responsible for the Betterness and Worseness because even though he choked you then You’re the one who’s taking your Breath even though he said you weren’t enough You’re the one who’s feeding that Thought even though you were hurt and abused You’re the one who won’t heal the bruise”
I wish I could help everyone feel this way When I wake up every single day I’m absolutely drowning – in Peace. Sometimes I forget what it was like with anxiety. Don’t get me wrong he still comes to visit but I guess that the biggest, most startling, difference Is He’s not in control when I acknowledge His presence And the demons and voices and bruises that sent Him. something within us needs to avoid blame but I truly believe that the only way to Live and to Love and enjoy it All is take responsibility for Who the Fuck You Are.
Author: Pepper
Email: [email protected]
Author Bio: Pepper is a Nashville based artist that loves enjoying words any chance she can whether it’s through poems, music, or with a bottle of wine. You can see and hear her voice on instagram @pepper_said
Link to social media and website: http://peppersaid.com | Instagram @pepper_said
