The crush of the wave hits me. I find it hard to breathe.
I never knew you could have the same sensation of drowning without actually being in water. By your own tears. But it has come, and I’m unable to come to the surface.
Everything around me feels as though it has been washed away. The noise of the radio is muffled. The light is faded away by the overlying curtains. However, the musty smell of my grandmother’s loaf lingers in the air.
My fingertips wipe away the tears sprinkling off my face. The tears have softened my face, yet tightened them at the same time. How can that be?
I lift my head off the pillow. It feels heavy. Against all odds of gravity, I manage to sit up.
I blink. My eyes feel sore. Like grit against sandpaper eyelids.
I take a deep breath in. It hurts my lungs. I moan, however, I cannot hear it. I feel deafened by the waves of my tears.
I drag my feet slowly across the bed sheets. They etch their way to the edge of the bed. I let them dangle over the side. I lean forward, and they plonk softly onto my rug underneath. I let my toes wiggle and feel the threads of the cashmere rug I bought last year. The feel of it against my skin is still a delight, even now. Even with me in this position. Even now with what I have lost.
I am so mesmerized in the moment of feeling the rug, that I did not even hear him leave.
The last time he would ever be in my home. The wave continues.
Author: The Secret Psychiatrist
Email: [email protected]
Author Bio: The Secret Psychiatrist is a female doctor and psychiatrist working currently in London. She has a degree in medicine and philosophy, as well as co-founding her own charity in Romania helping children with learning disabilities.
She enjoys sharing tales of her journey throughout medicine into the land of asylums across the world. When not at work, you will find The Secret Psychiatrist traveling through the jungles of Peru or surviving earthquakes in Nepal.
She has been published internationally for her work in medicine and psychiatry and is currently writing her children books.
