o be a little sister,
It is hard.
It is terrifying.
It is easy.
It is lovely.
I was born the 2nd of February 1987. Oh yes, I am an Aquarius, this air sign which funnily enough looks like a water sign… Talking about a confused and misunderstood sign I was born under. I firmly believe in star signs, yet I also believe in individuality. We cannot label a person by their star signs, skin colour, sexual orientation or even the country of their roots. Human beings are not born to be characterised by any of the above. We are individuals with our own souls, our own calling in life. This is again my humanist point of view and belief.
I believe it is every important to each and every one of us to know that we are all different, yet we are one and we ought to respect one another.
This point is essential to my personal essay because when you are a little sister, it is very difficult to lose sight of your own individuality and identity. At least, it was very hard for me.
I have two wonderful older sisters with whom I have between 6 to 9 years of gap with. As you’ve guessed I am what they call “the baby of the family”. According to my sisters, I got all I needed, the Christmas gifts I asked for, the clothes I dreamed of, the love and attention and less supervision when it came to homework, chores and outings with friends. To them my life seemed much simpler.
However, my life was not all roses, butterflies and candy floss. It was way more complicated than that and it is still at times. I am going to be honest with you, I had such a great and easy childhood, I never thought life to be difficult or hard or painful. I was in my own bubble with my faithful group of friends and had my first boyfriend at 18. Everything looked beautiful on the outside but somehow it was not on the inside.
Being a little sister was an everyday challenge. Both my big sister and middle sister have outgoing personalities. They were not scared to be bold, or to stand for what they believed in, which caused quite a rumble at home. Although, one was less extravagant than the other, they managed to have it their way at home, rebelled and make their own decisions. I was the quiet one, always had my nose in my books, my magazines, my newspapers, writing my poems, blogs, dreaming of a better world, an idealist hippie with peace and love as a motto, a little bit fleur blue but with a lot of inner conflicts within my soul and I simply did not show anything I felt deeply. There was enough display of emotions, rebellion and hormonal changes at home. Consequently, I kept my pains, fears, lack of self-esteem, slight anxiety and depression issues to myself and helped my whole family to carry their loads. I saw my life going by, like I was watching a movie. I followed rules by the letter, never really argued with my parents, took on my own little heart when deeply hurt or upset by my sisters. I preferred to watch them going through their first love, their heartbreaks, their crisis with our parents and my own parents’ crisis. I wanted to be like them though, dress like them, talk like them, act like them. I copied their clothes style, everything they were, but never how they were with my parents, I could not dare. With all that I saw before my eyes, I developed a wisdom which was said in my group of friends to be unusual. I rapidly became “mama wisdom” as they called me.
But within me I felt like I was in a constant prison in which the gates were guarded by my own self. I was confined within my own walls and rapidly started to lack air. I did not want to be myself anymore, I wanted to be them and everyone else but myself. I developed a low self-esteem and put on a daily masquerade, hiding who I really was. I was gasping for air, almost dying inside. Nothing appeared to be wrong, but inside I was all messed up and confused.
Meanwhile, my older sister left the nest and settled in England. My dream was to ideally settle in Canada after my college exams, but my mother feared of letting me live alone in an unknown country, so they planned that after passing my college exams, I would be able to study in England, which I did. However, my old demons were still within me and living with my older sister did not help. As her personality was quite imposing to me, I did not feel free to be myself at all. So, I hid behind her shadows, followed her everywhere she went and resumed to envying her, being like her even more which ended up by hurting her. Envy and jealousy is a feeling that was constant within me and it brought out the worse in me. These feelings can be highly destructive to a relationship. One day, I hope to be able to write an essay on the latter.
By hurting her deeply, I learned that being a little sister is way not as dreamy as people think. When you have two incredibly strong sisters, with a different personality you tend to follow their trends and forget about who you truly are. You spend your whole childhood and teenage years copying, idealising them, wanting to be them, loving them, and almost worshipping them. No one seems to truly have the time to look inside you and know that you are suffering. Everybody is busy dealing with their own inner turmoil. Most times you are on your own, making sense of a life you never thought could be so hard. It is only when you accept that your older sisters have flaws and weaknesses, that they are not perfect, that their strength comes from their hardships, that if you open up to them, they will gladly listen to you and give you advice according to their own experience, that you now understand the true meaning of being a little sister.
Being myself, showing myself vulnerable is what made me become their little sister. It allowed me to find my place in my family. Now, I have two older sisters who are ready to give me the world every time my heart shutters. They also pull my ears with sense when I need it. Of course we fight, we argue, we disagree because we come from a line of strong, beautiful, independent women with prominent careers. I am talking about, a psychologist, a restaurant owner, a teacher and in my spare time a writer in becoming. We know what we want from life by knowing who we are and our place in the world.
So like it says above,
“ Sisters carry each other in their hearts forever and always”
Author: Gassy Traore
Email: [email protected]
Author Bio: I am an Aquarian, yes I was born under this air sign and my head is always in the clouds. I love to dream, write and simple little life pleasure. I believe in fairy tales and i know mine is coming, the best is yet to come!
I am also a nursery teacher and creative writing TA during the day. I have been writing in French since I was 12 and in English since I was 21. I love photography, movies with a great visual and a good book that teaches the soul and warm up the heart.
Link to social media or website: http://splendourofadream.tumblr.com
