The realization of feeling happy, enough and valuable hit me so suddenly I almost choked. It was a chilly afternoon, and cotton candy clouds were hugging the setting sun. And I just stood there, almost crushed by the discovery I’d just made.
Now, I’m not here to brag about how spiritual, mindful and enlightened I am, because I am not.
My life has been very far from perfect: from being molested from ages seven to 11, which lead to 15-year long depression, anorexia, bulimia, orthorexia, borderline personality disorder, alcohol abuse, PTSD, insomnia and panic attacks – you name it, I had it. But at the core of all of my problems was one simple belief: “I am not enough”. Not worthy, not valuable, not lovable, NOTHING. Looking back, the desire to stop existing was enweaved into my life for as long as I can remember.
I hated my body – as a kid, I prayed to go to sleep and wake up as somebody else; as a teenager, I cut my body to punish it, starved it and abused it in so many ways. I never knew who I really was – as a person, as a human, and I ran and hid from that potential discovery at all costs.
It took me hitting so-called rock bottom, the point of no return, undergoing months of medications and therapy, countless tears, blood and pain, to finally open my eyes, stop running and look inside. I am really new to this, so every day brings a new wonder, discovery or answer, but it feels so damn good.
I know I am not alone. You don’t even need to have a history of trauma to become disconnected from yourself; the modern world does a pretty good job on its own. We are constantly exposed to all sorts of entertainment, distractions, treats, thrills to keep us engaged – and numb. Having a gadget/a drink/a pill that can take you away right by your hand is very convenient – and there’s no need to dig deep inside yourself, no need to work on your inner home, no need to evolve or grow or heal – why, if running away is so much easier, and so much fun?
I’m not here to blame technology though; before we had smartphones, there were books, theaters, alcohol and many other ways to avoid looking in.
And it is so understandable: some crap can be dug up, so why not let it be there, untouched?
Well, take it from a girl who was running all her life and just stopped. No matter how hard you are looking for the answers, no matter if you are a rocket scientist or a plumber, single or married, rich or poor, unless you understand YOURSELF, unless you know for sure who you are and what you need, you can never be truly happy.
Now, I am not a meditation guru or a spiritual leader, but I think if we all learned as much as we can about ourselves, there would be so many more happy people around. First, we would greatly decrease the amount of stuff we do that we don’t really want to do (which leads to inner conflicts and depression). We would be able to follow our true callings, form healthier relationships, we wouldn’t need anyone to fill any holes inside of us, because we would already be whole.
This sensation of being WHOLE is something I’ve never had and that still feels a bit freaky. But for the first time in my life, I am at peace with myself, I am not waiting for the time to pass; I truly enjoy every day as it comes, I say no to things I don’t want to do and I do more of what makes me happy. And believe me, I’ve never felt better.
I can’t give you all the answers – I don’t have them, and I believe it’s a very personal journey that is different for everyone. But I’d start with unplugging for some time – ten minutes, an hour, and check in with yourself. How are you feeling? What makes you feel this way? What are the ways to make you feel better? What bothers you? Maybe there is a painful memory that you keep coming back to. Re-stage your memories so that the ending is happy (and the way you want it to be) and see if you feel better.
Figure out if you have any toxic people around you. Do you always feel worse after talking to one particular person? Get rid of as many meaningless tasks that steal your energy and only say yes to the things you feel good saying yes to. Look at yourself in the mirror. Learn to treat your reflection as your best friend and always greet it with a smile and some nice words.
Figure out your strengths and weaknesses: make a list, or ask friends to help you with that since they know you best. Without exaggeration or diminishment, see what can be improved and what you can get rid of. Focus on your good qualities and know your value and worth.
I promise, if you do all of the above with all honesty and sincerity, the result will surprise you.
So, do you want to have fun or be happy?
Author: Anna Fitzgerald
Author Bio: I am an avid jogger, an amateur yogi, vegan, positive thinker, chemist by education and a freelance model, and I LOVE meeting and connecting to all kinds of new people. I play piano, ukulele and sing, I draw a bit and write poetry and I love photography and travelling!
my youtube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkeW3L0YoPOXt5zOCDxoinA
my insta: https://www.instagram.com/anna_._fitzgerald
Link to social media or website: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkeW3L0YoPOXt5zOCDxoinA
