“Distance makes the heart grow fonder.” I don’t know who said that, but I can tell you there’s a whole other side to that phrase. Distance can do a lot of things, it can heal you for one. After all the sobbing and self loathing is done, you can come out the otherside better than you were.
When you wake up on that random day and realize you haven’t thought about them for a minute or even a second it stings at first. Then you smile, or at least I did. While you know you’re not perfect, you know you loved with a passionate heart and that is nothing to be ashamed of. The broken bits fit back together and you breathe a solid breath for the first time in months.
I spent a lot of time hating myself mulling over everything I did wrong and lamenting all of my many faults. I called myself stupid on many occasions and went full depressed Emo crying to every sad song imaginable (specifically Adelitas Way “Tell Me,” “Good Enough” and “Habit”).
If I’ve ever been good at anything it’s feeling things deeply. I think it’s feeling deeply that allowed me to do the soul searching. I admitted to myself I made mistakes, but I also know the fault does not fall completely on me. I lost a person I cared so deeply about to my insecurities. Neither of us though spoke a single word when things got tough, so it was us that let it fall apart. I feel a hole in my heart, the place she used to be but I know it’s for the best.
I needed to learn I can live without, that I can move forward with me by my own side. There is no validation in people and giving them that power can cripple you. Three weeks of no communication helped me see that. I need to depend on me emotionally and for my own self worth; not anyone else.
When I learn to stand alone, I can stand beside someone. I don’t regret a moment but I know now I’m better off. It’s okay to break. I know I did on numerous occasions. I also learned while I was laying in the dark sobbing praying for my emotions to be ripped from my body that it was not the end.
I had been through heartbreak before and I was still going. My ragged hurt breathing would become normal again, songs wouldn’t sting like they used to and my heart wouldn’t break at random moments.
Nobody is perfect. I freely admit I pushed away an amazing woman with my insecurities and self loathing, I saw her as too good for me. Those feelings dug deep. I fell too many times, dropped the ball too many times on the things that mattered. Remembering how she takes her coffee isn’t enough, knowing she likes sesame seeds on her hamburger buns isn’t enough, that she likes hot steaming showers isn’t enough. Being able to name her top five drummers isn’t enough. Vowing to always encourage her isn’t enough. Nothing is if you are not secure in yourself first.
Everything can come from a place of love but make sure you’re a strong foundation first. To be a strong foundation you need to learn to be alone first and depend on you before you take on the heart of someone else.
Love takes a strong person, healing takes a strong person. And distance is painful but it can help in so many ways. Taking those long hard looks can give you harsh lessons. Take them to heart even though they hurt like hell. Know that you’re not a bad person you’re just learning as you go. It doesn’t matter your age, upbringing, social standing we are always learning or starting over. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about.
Grow from your mistakes, learn from your faults and most of all don’t be afraid to be your own true love.
