My body is the one thing in which I’m constantly at battle. I have always regarded the rolls on my body with shame. I feared that I would wake up with a stretch mark and each new stretch mark would be a mark on my self-esteem. My body shaming dates back to fourth grade where I encountered these uncomfortable aspects about myself.
One August afternoon, I was walking with my friends to lunch. I wore a lime green shirt that hugged my body. I remember being blissfully unaware of the physical constraints that society put upon young girls, that is until my friend asked why my stomach looked square, protruding out of my body. That description of my body and blatant question she asked still haunts me to this day and since then, I look at my stomach knowing it resembles an unflattering square.
This incident opened my eyes. Before this happened, I knew I did not have a thin body and was chubby around the abdominal area. I always understood that I fell on the bigger side of the weight spectrum, but I tried not to let that bother me. However, embarrassment and shame have never failed to show their faces. Ever since and every now and then, I feel embarrassed and shameful of my body. No matter how hard I tried, my clothes felt awkward or wrong; the looser and the longer, the better. I began to hate the wind for blowing my shirt too tight against my stomach and would try to pull the shirt from clinging to my stomach. Every person I walked by brought on paranoia: Do they see the improper outline of my stomach? I know it’s not a big deal to others, but knowing that they can possibly see the improper outline of my stomach embarrassed me.
By high school, I knew something had to be done. I pushed aside the paranoia and began to wear clothes outside of my comfort zone. As a high school freshman, I allowed myself to wear short shorts and as a high school senior I allowed myself to wear sleeveless tops. This began because I knew I had to get over my irrational fear of overly concealing my body due to absurd thoughts.
Yet, those nagging thoughts haven’t escaped my mind entirely. I still don’t like the way my arms look in tank tops and the way my skinny legs look in comparison to my body. I try to brush off the way I feel and continue on with my day. I often bring up these complaints about myself with people I am comfortable with but they reassure me that that’s not the case. I’m guessing, they know deep down that I have body image issues. Maybe, they try to dismiss these claims to make me feel better or because it’s actually true; I don’t know and I don’t think I want to know. I don’t want to know because I know it won’t help me. I will still have issues with my slightly heavier side and have a problem with the fact that I don’t have that flat stomach-bikini wearing body.
Don’t get me wrong though! On the contrary, I’m a sucker for compliments because they make me feel ten times better. My friends, family, or even strangers brighten my day when they give me compliments. Then, sooner or later I’m taken back to my reality that I’m still on the chubbier side of things. I don’t tell people often that I have body image issues, but somehow I let out the vibe that I am self-conscious. I remember a conversation I had with my cousin when we were talking about self-esteem issues. She told me hers and she brought up my self esteem issue with weight without me ever telling her. I never had the courage to tell many people that I struggle with weight, yet somehow she knew I struggle with that. Do I give off obvious signs I am not comfortable with myself? Do I let people know with my body language that I am not happy with myself because of my weight? I don’t have the answers to these because I haven’t gone searching for them. But when I do I’ll let you guys know.
Even till this day, I go through these issues time and time again. Coming into college has made my feelings bipolar. I have gotten more comfortable in what I wear and am not afraid to try new things. However, there are days when I’m in a dressing room and I have a reality check, reminding myself that I’m chubby when things won’t fit me in the way I want them to. College has made my life easier in that I am comfortable with the fact that I do have issues with myself and that it’s okay for me to not have a perfect body. But, I also know I can do something about it, if I take the initiative and change my lifestyle. I can make a regular schedule to go to the gym, eat healthier, and not over eat (which is my biggest problem!).
In the meantime, I will try to work on being healthy and being comfortable with myself. I know that my battle with weight has been in the works for many years, but I also know that it’s in my hands to make a change. My body and self-esteem issues are a huge part of who I am, yet they do not define me. I still haven’t overcome these issues and that’s okay.
Life is a process of learning and growing; and I’m currently going through that tough process. I haven’t had that success story of realization, doing something about my weight with end results showing huge promise, and I am comfortable with that. As my problem with weight has been with me for a majority of my life, it will take time for me to get in the process of taking care of myself properly and loving who I am at the end of the day. It’s cliché, but life is a battle and I’m living it first hand by trying to be comfortable with my body and learning to be healthy.
Author: Sahiba Guraya
Email: [email protected]
Author Bio: Hi, I’m Sahiba Guraya! I’m currently attending UC Berkeley and majoring in Media Studies. I’m an avid lover of fashion and in my free time I paint to distract my mind from school stress. I love everything to do with fashion and film, but enjoy writing about anything that’s on my mind in the moment. I hope to share my experiences and gain positivity along my journey of life!
Link to social media or website: https://www.instagram.com/sahibaaaaaaa/
