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Real Stories

Lucky Wedding Day, 100% Guaranteed

Life is beautiful, whatever one may say. However, we all are a little bit kooky: some believe in signs, others calculate successful days according to the phase of the moon and are categorically against befriending Capricorns, as well as those who have the digit four in their phone number. Because of this, they say, karma slides down to the bad side and the mood becomes “justinbieberable”.

I, for instance, believe in numismatics. There is only one coin worth twenty-five cents of a year of my birth in my collection. I want to believe that this quarter will bring me financial luck — I spit over my left shoulder though I am not one of those who spit.

Numerology, astrology, UFOs, the last day of filing tax returns and an annoying neighbor — so many things could turn a friendly extrovert into a misanthrope and a cynic, and a woman’s innate healthy indifference could evolve into neurosis. And all because it turns out that there is no lucky day for walking down the aisle in the whole year.

After all, a wedding is a very, very important decision…like suicide.

My friend A. was laughing hysterically, while telling me a story, adding at the end of each sentence, “It’s fucking nonsense!” Not because she wanted to get married that much, but because she had a mother. Any girl lives happily until her mother decides that the time has come for her daughter to finally be happy. And so it began. All hands on deck!

A. had been living with her man for almost ten years and was doing great. They sort of forgot to officially register their relationship. At first, he was not dying to do so, later on she had a lot of work to do and all the wedding gowns that looked like marshmallows with corsets were not the dress to say yes to. And suddenly, one morning, out of nowhere, her man sipped coffee and suggested they put on the uniforms, go to the Hall of Love and Harmony, and get married. During that morning coffee, it was decided they would exchange hands, hearts, rings, and privatize the sex organs of each other. It was very rash of A. to blurt the upcoming event to her mother.

A.’s mama, in a convulsive anticipation of happiness, went through tons of magazines and journals, and came to the conclusion that there was no single lucky day to get married, according to the calendar of Druids, ancient Chinese horoscopes, and the influence of the Tropic of Cancer for the next two thousand years.

A. and her boyfriend got engaged, and for almost a year they’d been fighting with the predictions of astrology, psychology, and religion that A.’s mother followed and believed:

“In January, Venus is in adverse aspects, and then half of February, Mercury is retrograde. How do you like it? Fucking Mercury is retrograde! Then again Venus is in crisis, it goes into Aries. And then the Great Lent begins, according to the Christian calendar. Actually, it would be fun to get married on the twenty-ninth of February and be officially married once every four years.

“In March, there are unfortunately very few lucky days for weddings. On the fifteenth, conspirators killed Julius Caesar — it’s a very dangerous day for legally registering love in front of the state. On the twentieth, there’s a solar eclipse. It would seem that the following Saturday would work, but no, that particular Saturday is a categorically bad day, and also all Tuesdays and Thursdays. Though, it is unknown — all Tuesdays and Thursdays this year, or in general.

“In April, there’s a lunar eclipse. So ten days before the eclipse and three days after are critical and signify only bad luck. And although the active Venus is now in Taurus, this time something did not match in numerology with the date and time of birth of the bride and the size of the gas mask of the groom. And later on Venus went into Gemini. A wedding should be avoided when Venus, the planet of partnership and love, begins to move in the opposite direction.

“Whatever the fuck on Earth it means, amen. Not to mention, that the Great Lent is still on. And my mother is religious; she’s one crazy Orthodox believer. Once, we’d been trying to figure out the difference between Passover and Palm Sunday and almost got into a fight over God.

“May is very bad for a wedding, because of a superstition — marrying in May means to suffer all marriage long.

“It is good that Mother uses only one religious calendar. And if you take into account all Jewish holidays, Catholic holidays, American bank holidays and the Chinese New Year, then oy vey — no way there is a happy, lucky day for a wedding. You’d think summer or fall are perfect for the beautiful ceremony celebration, but no!

“In June, Mercury is retrograde again, so the timing is the worst for weddings. Nota bene! Getting married this time of the year will work well only for those couples whose personal horoscopes include a similar position of Mercury. I bought a big mirror to look for Mercury’s position on myself. When my boyfriend comes home tonight, we’re going to try different positions until we find his Mercury.

“In July, there’s the Fast of the Holy Apostles. It’s not considered too strict, though it’s better not to have the wedding that day. Oh, by the way, when my boyfriend found a Mercury on me, I was so happy! And then we accidentally broke the mirror and spilled salt, which are, according to my mother, tremendously awful signs of an upcoming inevitable quarrel. So we decided to speed up the bad signs and, having skipped the part with the quarrel, immediately reconciled on the kitchen floor, as a sign of disobedience to the Parade of the Planets and the Power of the Holy Superstitions.

“In August, there’s a strict fasting before the Dormition of the Mother of God and the Savior of the Apple Feast Day and in general the month is so-so according to astrology. And then Venus is in retrograde. Retrograde sounds like a cool bar. I wonder, how much does gin cost there?

“As you can guess, September is no different from any other month either. Venus is still in retrograde, Mercury apparently never leaves retrograde at all. There are solar and lunar eclipses happening again. Getting married on the eve of the groom’s angel day is also bad luck. Meanwhile, my boyfriend has a business trip scheduled, and I’ve had a diet planned since, like, my New Year resolutions list. There is only one lucky day for the wedding in September, unless you’re are in Siberia that day. I think luck is a very unclear substance.

“October does not predict anything good in the context of a happy family life and its reproductive function. In the period from the twenty-fifth to the thirty-first of October, the three planets Mars, Venus, and Jupiter approach each other. That is supposed to mean that the energy of passion, wealth, and affection are prophesied to the marriage. But, you know what? Nothing binds two people together better than a joint mortgage for twenty years. And the energy of passion especially gushes when a couple has an ongoing residence renovation and a pet parrot that speaks the language not allowed in an apartment full of short-tempered people.

“From the twentieth of November Venus is in an adverse aspect with Uranus, inclined to divorce. It’s impossible to marry, and now it’s already bad luck for divorce. That bitch Venus! Starting the twenty-eighth of November, a long, strict Christmas fasting begins, which will last until the sixth of January. I personally don’t like November at all. There’s always something bad going on in November. There’s definitely something wrong with this month. The luckiest day for the wedding in December is the thirtieth. That is so lucky, right? And then New Year’s Eve and a new year all over again.

“By the way, it is also recommended to take into account the calculation of the coinciding months for the bride and groom. The formula is you add both dates of birth of a happy couple, multiply by the estimated date of the wedding, and divide by your zip code. In the result of this simple numerological math, I somehow got the cell phone number of Lucifer. I kind of have a feeling it is not the luckiest result at all, probably even worse than the month of May. Plus, Lucifer didn’t pick up, so I left him a voicemail.

“Oh my god! It’s still necessary to transport, get drunk and entertain all the relatives. And we are supposed to have…wait for it…The First Wedding Night. What does it mean? Let’s hide the horse from the birthday boy so that he doesn’t get excited beforehand? I mean, we’ve been living together for ten years. He knows every single inch of my body. And then, suddenly, after the wedding, the long-awaited white sheet of filth?
“I’m thinking about wearing yellow panties on this great day of obscurantism. The color yellow, overall, seems very schizophrenic. I’ll call this pair of panties “Happy Schizophrenic” and put them next to other memorable panties of my life — ”Black Mamba”, “Lucky Bastard”, “Mad Milkmaid”, “Homeless on Fire” and “Retired Carmen”. But before that, my boyfriend will put a piece of gold on my finger and will take me down my luminous vaginal path, until Mercury separates us.

“Anyway, when I heard all of this from my mother, I went a little crazy because of the wedding nonsense. But I’m brave and stubborn, and I love him, and he loves me, regardless of my mom and her handbook of alchemy. Nevertheless, we’ll somehow find a date to agree on. It’ll be an extreme family quest “The lucky wedding day”.
“And yet,” my friend A. breathed out, “there’s still only one problem that makes me anxious: where can I find decent yellow panties, huh?”

If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out Marriage: The Ultimate Self-Sacrificial Choice

 

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by Mila Lyons

Author of New Yorkers Hate Food and Privacy Policy novels.


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