I have spent a majority of my life allowing myself to feel small and be silent about things that are important to me. I have felt like my words would not make a difference. Who do I think I am? I’ve asked myself this question dozens of times. After multiple answers, my final answer is: I am a badass women so you can shut the fuck up.
I hate to use this word but what caused my silence was Trauma. With a capital fucking T. The word everyone likes to throw around these days. Except I get a pass because I am a trained mental health professional and understand trauma a little bit more than your average teenager on social media. No offense teens.
I would like to say: dear trauma, f u c k y o u. Trauma happens to everyone, right? Just because something is traumatic for me, does not mean it will be traumatic for you. Except what I went through would definitely be traumatic for anyone. Then you have complex trauma, so more than one traumatic event during childhood. Which I have also experienced. I am not writing about my complex trauma for anyone to feel bad for me. I just want to voice that a lot of shit happens but it’s what you do after that shit happens.
It happened. So what? Will I bury it until it eats me alive or deal with it? Well for me I didn’t really understand what had happened to me. Not until graduating high school and then really digging into it once I was in social work school. I only name the trauma with those close to me and that took over 10 years to do. It left me confused and unsure of myself. I’m 26 years-old still kinda confused and unsure but now trying to heal.
Heal… ding… ding.. ding. Another hot topic word. You need to heal yourself before you can heal others…. blah.. blah.. blah. In reality it is easier to throw the word around then actually work towards healing. I think for me, it will be a life-long journey. It shows up in my romantic relationships, actually most relationships, it will 100% show up when I raise children, and the list goes on. I know no one wants to deal with my emotional baggage, not even me.
So a recap: trauma happens and then you have to heal yourself. Great! But how? I really don’t know. Which is probably not the answer you were hoping for. I don’t think there is a step-by-step guideline when it comes to healing. Obviously it doesn’t happen overnight. It takes more than just therapy. It takes a support system, forgiveness, love, fully accepting yourself, and speaking your truth. So this is me speaking my truth and continuing my healing, one article at a time. Again:
Dear Trauma,
Fuck you.
With love,
Anna G.
