Does the turmoil of losing a parent young ever go away? I was 26 when I lost my mother and best friend. I write this letter to her and hopefully give me closure. You must do what you need for closure; Write a letter, put it in a bottle and send it off to sea, in a floating lantern, attached to a balloon. Your loved one will get the message one way or another. Remember, there is hope in a horrible experience. You can go on. You can thrive. I believe in you.
Dear Mother,
You left me. You left us. Rotting in the anguish of why. I don’t blame you. I don’t blame anyone. I blame it. I blame disease. In the beginning, your death made me less sensitive towards others. Now, I know how to put my needs first and still care for others. Thank you.
I didn’t see the sickness take you until your very last day. I wonder what my sisters had to go through. Do you remember, Mother? I wasn’t naive to what happened, to knowing that cancer would take you. It is a horrendous gut feeling I had. I wish my gut was wrong. Living away from home at the time of diagnosis, I guess, having that gut feeling helped me. Helped me without having to see the sickness overcome you. It made me come to the realization that you would be gone one day and I would survive. Sad, terrified at first, but survive.
I worked at a place that brought my soul immense joy. The place where smiles had to be on your face no matter what was happening at home. It helped me learn to mask the hurt. I am still uncertain if that is a good thing. I guess for you, it was. You masked it exceptionally. At least for me you did.
Mom, I hate it. I hate that I watched your eyes lose it’s soul. I was holding your hand when you took your last breath on October 7th, 2015 just 3 days after I moved home. I suppose you were finally at peace that I would be fine. I lost my best friend that day. I lost you, Mom.
I thank you for teaching us girls (my sisters and I) to be resilient. No matter the struggle, you had a smile on your face.
Do you know that I painted your nails your favorite color after you passed? I brushed your hair? I changed your clothes? Do you know that you are buried with your mickey ears? You are wearing my white cardigan? Your favorite pink dress? Do you know that I still love you? That people say I look just like you everyday? Of course you do. You are the best guardian angel I ever had.
I feel your presence at home. I hear your footsteps. I hear you say my name. Thanks for all your comfort in the afterlife.
I wish you could physically be here for when I achieve all my life goals. I hope I make you proud.
I love you,
D
