Morning.
The only time of day where dread frequently overpowers my motivation.
When I open my eyes to reality, I look at my phone and see that it’s 8:45am. Just below the time, I see Monday. As I come to the realization that I’m once again starting a new week, the usual anxiety begins setting in. A slew of questions fill my head, when will I find a full-time job? When will the pandemic be over? When will I stop gaining weight? Thoughts that are all too familiar to my post-graduate, unemployed, pandemic living self.
Most mornings I fight with the idea of going right back to sleep after waking up about 9am. The urge to block out the truth of my existence by sleeping the day away feels stronger than ever in this moment. The days I numb myself with sleep are the days lost in time, yet I always remember the sad, disgusting feeling I get when I wake up around 4pm. With my phone now showing 9:10am, I reflect on the moments that never happened and the responsibilities that never took place as a result of my extreme oversleeping.
A constant battle with hopelessness makes everything I do more difficult. When you feel like everything you do isn’t leading to an ideal end goal, the initial effort put in feels useless. Why apply to jobs if I’ll just get rejected? Why go to the gym when I’m just going to eat my feelings right after and undo the work I just did? Most days I have this mindset, but every so often, a gleam of optimism makes its way through and I try to hold onto it as much as I can.
It’s 9:15 am and I just remembered a conversation a close friend and I had a few days ago. I was venting to my friend (as usual) about how depressed and unmotivated I felt. I told her it was getting more and more difficult to stay productive. Her response was comforting and uplifting as usual, but she said something that had really stuck out to me. She said some effort is better than no effort. These are difficult times, go easy on yourself. Any effort you make is still progress. She was right. At the end of the day, whether I apply to 10 jobs, clean my house and work on my hobbies or simply brush my teeth and take my dog out for a long walk, anything is something. Anything is me making an effort to not sleep the day away. Anything is better for my mental health.
For 30 minutes I contemplated what I want today to look like. For 30 minutes, I laid in bed, staring at the ceiling about to cry because I felt terrible about myself and my circumstances. I check my phone and it’s 9:20 am. So Rian, what’s your next move? I think to myself. With a sullen, tired look on my face, I muster up the energy to push the covers off my body and get out of bed. I take a long, deep breath and begin making my bed with the hope of not returning to it in the next few hours.
If you like this article, check out; http://stories.harnessmagazine.com/fluctuating-struggle-of-sleeping-staying-awake/
