Commercials tend to show depression as a person walking around with this dark cloud over their head. Their wearing a hoodie and simply can’t look at people let alone having a conversation with them. Although that picture is true for some people, this is not the picture for me. These past few months have been hard for so many however, those with dealing with mental health see things so much harder. We try to be “normal” but our senses are super sensitive and what could be easy for one person is harder for us.
To make up for the way I’ve been feeling, I’ve become an overachieving “yes” person. If I keep my mind and body busy, I’m denying my true feelings about myself, others, and even my life. I did this for so long where I have actually burnt myself out. I had no choice but to sit down and recover. No amount of work could shake this, no amount of writing could ease this, no amount of food could digest the true feelings of me.
I decided to get away for a week to the opposite side of the map. Somewhere that the pandemic was no where in site. No political conversations, no disagreements, no social media check in, and no cell phone single for that matter. Even then in a place of peace, a place of solitude, and really good food I was not okay. I slept for days and to the outside that would be normal. You’re allowing your body to rest. However, with my depression this was a way of hiding. I wanted to wake up and see that possibly this day would be different. Instead the day would show me how much my life is not any better.
Sure I have a therapist, counselor, and even a really great support system. But what do you do when none of those outlets are working for you? I tried to read a book or two, all the words ended up blending together and nothing made sense. I tried ready a devotional, but there was nothing on the bible app that could remotely match where I was. I even tried talking to people, but that ended up turning into a therapy session where they were the actual patient. Where do you turn to when nothing is working? Who can you talk to that could possibly understand? For the first time in my life, I don’t have an answer.
I’ve been told to pray this away, that God is a healer of all. Yes he is a healer of all sickness and diseases, however, when you know that your neurons are not firing off the way they should what kind of healing do you ask for. I’ve tried modern, western, and even holistic care but yet I’m still numb. Even today I am a fully functional health care worker that needs someone to care for her. I could totally binge eat my feelings because of the rush it brings. But that can only do so much and I’ll feel sick in the morning. Even now as I write this, my body is numb. I know something is off and I can’t put my finger on it. Perhaps I should sleep this off like I normally do? Maybe I should become the doer again and completely burn myself out?
I wish I had the answers, I wish I knew what to do. I’ve been dealing with my own mental pandemic for years and I have nowhere to hide. Who’s going to date me? Who will marry me? Who could possibly love me when I’m this low? I know God loves me and so does his son, it’s just a little difficult when you want that physical love and connection from a physical person.
Tonight I’m in this valley, writing my thoughts after eating two whole bowls of cereal. Maybe this will help me? Maybe this will help others? Perhaps my valley can be a hill for someone else? This too shall pass as someone would say. If only I knew what this “too” actually is.
If you like this article, check out: https://stories.harnessmagazine.com/whats-the-word-for-how-it-feels-to-end-something-that-never-even-started/
